Saturday, July 4, 2009

So fucked up in the head

So last night was a celebration of my friend's 20th birthday that is today. I've it because there were most of my friends from high school and a couple people from grade school. All people who I haven't seen in maybe a year or more. These are the girls that will stick through with you till the end. And that's why I love them.

Unfortunately, who was also there was the boy who broke my heart for the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd time of my life and the boy who tried to rape me on Cinco de Mayo last year. I think its so funny that they're good friends (before and after both of them decided to fuck up my life). Why is it that any happy moment that I have has to to be tinged with sadness or hurt?

I can only be thankful that I didn't break down or cause a scene. I pretty much kept my cool, except for maybe the occasional bitting remark. But, I think I deserve to have a couple of those. Neither of them comprehend the pain that they put me through.

The boy who broke my heart time and time again says that all he can say is "sorry" with no explanation as to why he did the things that he did. He was my best friend first and then came to be the boy I was in love with and thought was in love with me. He couldn't respect me on either of those levels. He can seem to fully understand that that pushed me more so over the edge where suicide became became a more serious subject on my mind instead of just a passing thought.

And the other one, he has been my torturer since grade school and tried to most heinous act of bullying and he never really apologized out side that night when his ass was on the line if I was (a. killed walking the 5 plus miles at 3am to get home or (b. walked to the police station and reported his ass. But I did neither, though I wish either of them had happened. If I have to hurt why shouldn't he?

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