Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Why is it when I really want something it is always out of my reach? All I really want to is someone to talk to when I'm down. Someone to talk to when I'm happy. Someone to cuddle with on those lonely nights. Someone to watch movies with and discuss stupid things. Someone to debate with. Someone to cook with. Someone to go out with. It doesn't have to be love. Just companionship that could, if it wanted to, become more. I don't think that I ask for so much.
But then when someone who says those things pull away with no explanation, what am I to think? Did I do something wrong? Did you get what you wanted and then decided you wanted someone else. These are the times I'm glad I don't give in all so easily.
If I slept with you it would hurt all the more that you were probably using me for a stupid decision I made for 6 months. You're not such a hurt soul if you can pull the same shit as everyone else.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
So one of my professors was trying to hook me up with his manager in LA for my Co-Op. Its been two months and I still don't know for sure if I'm going. and this is making me nervous because if I don't get it I will only have 6 months to find another Co-Op job. I mean I know I could probably talk to someone at TLA or PFS that I've made friends with working at the Film Festivals, but I don't want that.
With the shit that has been going down the last month and the shit that was building up from that in the months previous, I need to get out of town. At this point I can't even been on the east coast anymore. LA is such a great opportunity for me to grow as someone in the film business and I will have minimum distractions to deviate me from that.
I need this job. Beyond just need to fulfill a requirement for school but to save the bits of my sanity that is left and prepare me for a post-college life. But its taking so long that I'm worried. But I feel as if, based on my professors personality, that my future employer wouldn't fuck with me waiting so long to tell me no. In the interview I had with him over Skype he was a very cool, interesting man, who knew what he was doing. I refuse to believe that he is anything but. But these last few months make me feel like anything could fall apart. I'm so paranoid.
But I will step back. I will breathe. I have patience and I will use it to its fullest extent. I can let the other bullshit color the rest of my life.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I just want someone to love.
With all my flaws, hardships, and tribulations.
I just someone to want me.
The actual me.
Not my body.
Not what they think I could be for them.
Maybe try to make me a better person.
But not to push mr further into my insanity.
Even if we were just to broken vessels.
Maybe we could pull each other along.
And find safe harbor together.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
So I've been randomly thinking about where I want to hold my birthday next year. Yes, its very far away from now, but I have sporadic thoughts like that. And I haven't had an actual birthday party since I was maybe like 6 so I think its about time I get around to having one. And me being me, I'm thinking outside the box.
And I have come up with two choice. My retarded dumbass of a self has decided on with The Franklin Institute or the Please Touch Museum. Yes you read that correctly. I'm very weird in that I want to hang out in places that are totally inappropriate for grown people to be in. Well, technically the Franklin Institute isn't that bad, unless I decided to have it in like to Heart Room or something. But the Please Touch Museum? There's no excuse there really.
Though both venues are not strangers to holding events for non-toddler crowd, by looking at their websites. I wasn't expecting to be so original, really. So, no biggie. Though I do think that this will be lots of fun for my friends who will be think "There goes that crazy bitch and even more crazy ideas".
Its a good thing that I thought of this now. This will take some time to plan and budgeting to get this to work.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
So last night was a celebration of my friend's 20th birthday that is today. I've it because there were most of my friends from high school and a couple people from grade school. All people who I haven't seen in maybe a year or more. These are the girls that will stick through with you till the end. And that's why I love them.
Unfortunately, who was also there was the boy who broke my heart for the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd time of my life and the boy who tried to rape me on Cinco de Mayo last year. I think its so funny that they're good friends (before and after both of them decided to fuck up my life). Why is it that any happy moment that I have has to to be tinged with sadness or hurt?
I can only be thankful that I didn't break down or cause a scene. I pretty much kept my cool, except for maybe the occasional bitting remark. But, I think I deserve to have a couple of those. Neither of them comprehend the pain that they put me through.
The boy who broke my heart time and time again says that all he can say is "sorry" with no explanation as to why he did the things that he did. He was my best friend first and then came to be the boy I was in love with and thought was in love with me. He couldn't respect me on either of those levels. He can seem to fully understand that that pushed me more so over the edge where suicide became became a more serious subject on my mind instead of just a passing thought.
And the other one, he has been my torturer since grade school and tried to most heinous act of bullying and he never really apologized out side that night when his ass was on the line if I was (a. killed walking the 5 plus miles at 3am to get home or (b. walked to the police station and reported his ass. But I did neither, though I wish either of them had happened. If I have to hurt why shouldn't he?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
It sucks that I've only been back in classes for 2 weeks and already I just want to go away. It has nothing to do with classes really. I only have 4 classes this term so I'm living it easy. I'm just getting sick of my surrounds and, in a small way, the people in my life. I just feel like I need to do something different just for a little bit. I had a week long break and I didn't get to really have it to myself. I just wish I had those seven days to do something that I wanted for myself. But it wasn't to be. I can never really claim anything for my own.
I just can't wait for this to be over.