Friday, May 29, 2009

From Wristcutters: A Love Story

Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dodging the Bullet

So I'm a little calmer today. I no longer need to be paranoid about shit. But I still have other things on my mind. Hopefully they will work out.

Monday, May 18, 2009

From La Dolce Gilda

You're still following me? Stop! Leave me alone! I'm just teasing. Come here. Come.. closer. You know, I love you, my little monkey. But leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. I love to play. And every time I play.. you win. Ciao,
Just wait
Breathe
Everything will be OK
That's what they tell me
I'll believe
For now

I'm so tired

I wish that I wasn't so difficult that I can't express what I want or how I feel. It is increasingly annoying. I feel as if what I have to say isn't important enough for other people to hear which then annoys everyone because I "expect them to read my mind." Its all such bullshit.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lost

I have always had these moments when I want feel what its like to be hit by a bus or train, shot, stab, or beaten to death. There were always thoughts of curiosity. But No they have become more frequent and more malicious in thought. What does this mean exactly? Am I truly depressed? Am I going insane? Have I been these things all along but for some reason able to keep them at bay? I don't know the answer to these questions and I'm not even sure I want to know the answers. I guess We'll see what life brings.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinco de Mayo

So today is Cinco de Mayo, the day when the Mexican army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. But for Americans, it have an excuse to drink tequila and Corona. Today isn't really on my radar of drinking days. No particular reason for it. I do other ethnic holidays (Saint Patty's Day, Fat Tuesday, etc.) but I never think about about the 5th of May. Maybe Its because its so close to my birthday. Maybe I just don't have the love of tequila that others do. 

But this year Cinco de Mayo has significance to me. One year ago I decided to go with a friend to her boyfriend's house for a little Cinco de Mayo celebration. Now I didn't particularly like this boyfriend. I had gone to grade school with him and he would make my life hell. I remember being depressed almost to the point of wanting to kill myself (he told me later that it was because he had a crush on me). Even though we moved on to different high schools, his school was the brother school to mine and we still had friends in common and he dated another close friend, so I couldn't be rid of him. We somewhat became friends and so my hostility lessened towards him. And I'll admit that once upon a drunken night I had a threesome with him and a mistaken love of my life.

So there were 5 of us skinny dipping and drinking tequila by the guy's pool. I was feel a little unsettled by the tequila and really uncomfortable with how he was coming on to me way too strong, especially when my best friend/ his girlfriend was near by. At the end of the night He was drinking my friend and another girl I had gone to high school with home. While campus was a bit aways from his parents house, I begged because I wasn't feeling comfortable with staying at the house. He said yes but after he dropped the girls off, he said that he was really too drunk to drive and couldn't take me home till the morning. I gave up and said fine.

We come back to his and he keeps saying that I should sleep in his bed and he'll sleep on the couch. Of curse I don't don't trust this at all. I'm not going to throw myself into the lion's den. He was so persistent. But I made my stand to stay on the couch and curled up into a ball where he the proceeded crawl on top of me to try to "seduce" me into having sex with him. I was able to convince him to go out and clean the pool because all of our empty alcohol cups etc were still there out. The second he went out side I bolted for the front door.

I had never been so frightened in my life. I had no way to get anywhere but my own 2 feet. so I walked. I walked the 6 miles at 3am in the morning from his house to Olney Bus Terminal. I would duck into bushes every time I heard a car because I thought he was coming after me. I called a friend that lived in my dorm and talked to her the entire way. This is where I developed my hatred for birds because the entire way there were birds chirping so loud my friend could hear them.

I made it safely to Olney and took the night owl bus in to Center City. What makes it bad is that my mom's house was 4 blocks from Olney But refused to go home and explain why I was coming in so early while I was still in school. So I went down town and the took the El to campus and slept most of the day away missing my morning classes. 

I have never had something like that happen to me before. Sure, I've had people try and get on me but nothing like that. It shaped me as a person but I try to not let it rule me. But that will make me never forget Cinco de Mayo.