I've decided to make the commitment to look at life like I did before I came to college (or more so before Senior year of high school). I was cold. I was heartless. I had friends but I spent the majority of my time alone but didn't feel lonely. I could cut people off without the small twinge of guilt. I was a machine. I was flawless in my lack of emotion. I don't like having a heart. I want to lock it up and put it away so it can never hurt me again. Is this healthy. Hell no. Will it make me happy? Most likely no. But I'll be able to function as a human being.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I'm so distracted from what I need to do its ridiculous. I have a take home test for Sex and Love due tomorrow, my final cut of the Poetry Brothel due Tuesday, filming for Directing due Thursday and filming for Lighting thats needs to be done and handed in before the end of the week. None of these things have been worked on today which I wanted to do seeing as I had the day off from work and was going to make the best of it. Instead I made the effort to go get waxed and see my money dwindle and laid around all day smoking, drinking tea, and watching random shit on TV. It didn't even feel satisfactory to be lazy. I'm losing my purpose.