Saturday, January 31, 2009

Where Brooklyn At!

So today's trip to New York was successful. I'm so glad that we caught a latter bus than last week. Getting up at 7am on a Saturday after less than 4 hours of sleep is rough. Doable, but rough. We had no problems getting to New York. The Metro got a little tricky because the J doesn't run to Fulton on the weekends.  But we figured it out lucky and got to Brooklyn in time. 

I think we got a lot of good footage of the Brothel's rehearsal. Its great to see how the Whores build their character that they will use for the Brothel. Its much like a creative workshop. This project is going to have a great outcome, I think.

New York, New York

So I'm going back to New York today (as it is past midnight). Luckily I'm not getting up at 7am after less than three hours of sleep like last weekend. And also I'm not going to directly after I get back. I'm hoping to get some good footage of the Brothel's rehearsal. I'm upset that last week I couldn't stay in New York for the rehearsal because of work. 

I need to contact people specifically for one-on-one interviews. I was hoping for my partner to do that last week but I don't think she did. I'm going to give out my business cards, but they're kind of crappy and have my AOL email on it. I need to get more official looking cards with a better email address, etc.

I feel like I should be stressed but I'm really not. Of all the things bothering me in my life right now this should have some small part in my anxiety. But it doesn't so I guess I don't need to worry.

I need to make sure that I start editing the footage together for a rough cut when I get back. And even more importantly start and finish my script for Writing for the Short that's due Sunday at 6pm. I can't push it off and hopefully I will put some effort into it while I'm on the bus ride to and from. 

Friday, January 30, 2009

Fuck anger managment

I'm starting to think that holding in one's anger and not expressing it has become a hazard. It is not a matter that I'm getting upset over everything. I'm much more pissy about it that usually about shit that would upset me anyway. I didn't think I could get more pissy about shit. Controlling my anger makes me even more angry. I somehow don't think that it is suppose to work that way.  The only silver lining is that I don't have panic attacks for the most part anymore.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

This is bullshit

Why do I have a roommate that goes home every weekend and ignores me pretty much on the random occasions that we are home at the same time? I feel like a fucking rent check to her. And I wouldn't mind if it was a case I found her on craigslist and and not that we were friends last year in the dorm. 

Why is it that I'm only appreciated (or condemned) for my tits and ass? I don't think they are they greatest out there. Terribly imperfect in my mind. Yet people feel the need to constantly mention them. Why? It doesn't bother me that I might be seen as an object. I have a problem people see what isn't there and even with this blindness its not as if it truly gets me anywhere any way.

Why do I have friends that I have to call to hang out with or else I sit at home alone? And most times they wont even hang out with me for bullshit reasons. When they do, I'm always going somewhere. No one think to ask to come over and hang out with me at my place. It feels like fucking pulling teeth. I shouldn't feel like I have to work hard to have friends. 
 
And why do I always feel like the odd man out in my major? No one ever thinks that I could be helpful and never thinks to ask. I feel useless because no comes to me. I can't learn if no one is willing to through me to the dogs. And when I need help no one is there willing to help me out. I'm out of the loop way more than I should be. And I try but it seems useless. 

Growing up wont solve this problem. Death is not an actual solution. So I'm fucked till kingdom come.

Humor me

I hate that people think that I'm so devious bitch who plots and schemes. I'll admit I'm a bitch but I'm not into schemes and that bullshit. This isn't high school folks.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I love Kat Williams

"White people, if you can't understand a tiger in a zoo then you will never understand a nigger in America."

Damn Geico for getting this stuck in my head

I'm just an average man with an average life 
I work from nine to five, hey, hell, I pay the price 
All I want is to be left alone in my average home 
But why do I always feel like I'm in the twilight zone 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Tell mi is it just a dream

When I come home at night 
I bolt the door real tight 
People call me on the phone, I'm trying to avoid 
But can the people on tv see me or am I just paranoid 

When I'm in the shower I'm afraid to wash my hair 
Cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing there 
People say I'm crazy, just a little touched 
But maybe showers remind me of psycho too much 
That's why... 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Who's playin' tricks on me

(Instrumental) 

I don't know anymore 
Are the neighbors watching me 
Well is the mailman watching me 
And I don't feel safe anymore, oh what a mess 
I wonder who's watching me now (booo! ) - the irs? 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Tell me is it just a dream 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Who's playin' tricks on me 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Tell me this can't be

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

XOXO

Its very scary the idea of, not right now but in the future, saying "I love you" to someone and meaning it fully. What's even scarier is what will there response be if you can even get that far in the relationship. I need to stop fucking around and do the things that I want.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I've made it

So I'm currently residing in Fredericksburg, VA. Tomorrow I will be making my way to Washington to D.C. for the big day. I have to say that, Lydia's, the person whose parents house we're staying at is very... Southern. And I amusingly made the mistake to wear my "Artists Make Lousy Slaves." You would think that My having spent so much time down here that I would have realized my mistake. But I take this on to be an amusing anecdote that will undoubtedly happen. Let's see shall we?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

So let me get this straight...

So last night I went around the corner to my friends house for his Dumpling Night. I brought of over my Zen Green Tea Liquor But I thought it was an appropriate choice. Everyone enjoyed it. Especially when we added Yuengling and created Jersey Wooder (aka cesspool). I got a text saying that I should go over to another friends house after I'm done for another get together. I was game and got a ride over.

This party was completely awkward town. While they didn't over whelm, there was a significant amount of people that I didn't know. I'm not really a big one for being in situations where there are a lot of people that I don't know (specifically in party situations). But it was chill. So this get together was a surprise party for this kid Andrew. I meet him maybe once or twice.

So amongst the people I do know  guy that I sometimes hook up that happens to live around the corner from him. Now I have serious issues when it come to him because when we first started hanging out he was a very clingly person and he would do or say things that you would only really do in serious committed relationships which we weren't in nor was I looking for. And besides that I found to be emo to the point that I looked fucking cheerful. 

I tell him that I want to go home tonight and so when they wanted to leave just let me know and we could leave together. I was trying to be responsible because I should not be going home by myself because (1. A girl walking home at that hour is not the brightest idea and (2. I had been drinking so I may not be paying attention to my surroundings like I should. He said that was cool and his housemate had a car so I wouldn't have to be out in the car. 

Well eventually it got to the point where the party was a little too awkward for my taste and I wanted to go out for a smoke. So two friends and I went to get pizza and smoke on the way there. I let hook up know where I was going and said to call me if they wanted to leave before I got back. Because it was cold we ate at the pizza parlor and chilled a bit and talked about random shit.

When we came back I noticed that my ride was gone. So I called to see if maybe they were just upstairs or something. Nope. They had left me and didn't call to say that they were leaving. So now I'm pissed (and still somewhat drunk). I start yelling because they shouldn't have left me with no warning and now I had to get home by myself. The guy tried to say it wasn't his fault because his housemate really wanted to go and wouldn't call me and that if I want he would come back and get me (but of course I could just sleep over where I was because it would be cool with the people that lived there). Fuck no asshole for a couple of reasons: (1. Its not the housemates fault because he has the choice to leave but (2. You had my number, not him, you should have called me because I'm your friend, not his, (3. Why would I want you to come back and get me? you already left me why would I  wait for you to come back. And I promptly hang up the phone.

My other friend tries to make me feel better but I'm already tensed and almost into one of my anxiety attacks. So I make the decision to leave because I'm putting out negative vibes and all I want to do is go home to craw in my bed and sleep. Before I leave I get a text message from asshole saying: "I've had too much to drink and ****** is too exhausted to pick you up. I'm sorry. If you want to spend the night, i'll come and pick you up and walk you over. Just tell me when" So you fuck up  and leave me but you'll come back if I come over to your house to sleep?

I don't think I've ever walked back from my friend's house so fast. What is usually a 20ish minute walk I made in 10. only reason I know this is because I started smoking a clove on the way back and still had something to smoke when I passed my front door. So I go to the asshole house, pound on the door and call him when he doesn't answer. He doesn't answer the phone so I go back home. I see I have a missed call from him and call him back ripping him apart for being an asshole. He asks where I am I told him I walked home already. Which he couldn't understand why I did that because he said he would walk me home. He still doesn't understand why I'm pissed and wouldn't wait for him so I hang up and go take a really hot shower. But before I got in I saw he had changed his facebook status to **** try to take things less seriously... holy jeez. And I had changed my status to I the strong need to punch a wall right now.

I come up of the bathroom and see that I have another text from asshole saying "You need to calm down. You're taking minute things wat to seriously. You're not going to want to accept that, but 6 block is not  big deal. You get way too affected by little things. Stop taking things so personally. I'll ttyl"Why couldn't he have left it alone? I call him and chew him out again. And he tries to apologize to which I left him know that I could give a rat's ass if he's sorry (I don't believe in them) and I really at this point just want him to admit that he was wrong. Of course he questions my morals and values because I don't really believe in apologizing (I'll explain why in another post). 

Now during this 2 friends had comment on my status one of them saying "Calm to furry" and the asshole decides comment as well saying that he seconds this. I respond  by asking if he really wanted to commenting on my shit. And then his status says all he wants is sleep peace and understanding  which changes 3 minutes later to "calm. calm. calm. its unnecessary. for someone who doesn't care, you sure draw a lot of attention. just rest and calm down. I need sleep." I don't give a shit about you but I do give a shit when you leaving a man behind. I was pissed and had a right to be so. I took the somewhat high road and didn't respond to his staus. I should have thrown that damn rock throw his window like I wanted to.

Talk about a way to fuck up the beginning of the weekend.

Solitude

I hate being apart of a species that relies upon contact with one another. No matter how far you run away you always have to come back.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I need to get away

I need a vacation. Maybe some place exotic. Maybe some place mundane. It doesn't really matter. I just want out of the bubble I'm currently in. The need to expand my horizons is just too great. It wont make me a better person and it wont bother me if it did.

To get away is not so much to get away from my life the way it is, but to bring new experiences to it. I need something new. New people in old situations or old people in new situations just don't cut it. I need new people to interact with. New Friends. New Lovers. New Enemies. A new Identity so that when I come back to being me I will have hopefully cleaned out my closet so that the same me can come out hopefully with a new paint job.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Fuck Vegas, DC Baby!

So I found out last night that I'm going to the Inauguration on Tuesday. Words cannot describe... 

Monday, January 12, 2009

A question

Have you meet someone so depressing that they made you want to kill yourself? Its a very odd concept, but it happens.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

So here's my business card...

What I've never understood is why some people find me attractive. I know that I have certain aspects that are aesthetically pleasing but that overall picture I don't think is anything. I would understand maybe trying to get a one night stand but not a regular thing. But somehow within the last week I've gotten 2 business cards while out and for me to contact them besides other people who have hit on me. 

One was an owner of a bar in North Philly that I was hanging out with friends. I was somewhat creeped out because there was this big guy who owns the establishment that I'm at and he's just straight up hitting on me even though I lied about being in a relationship and obviously wasn't very comfortable in the situation. It didn't help that the guy graduated high school 3 years before I was even born. I like older men but in that situation it was just not conformable for me.

The second was when I went to Nocturne last night.I was only the dance floor in the 80s room and was approached by this guy on the dance floor. I'm always up for a partner so I was dancing with him and it was cool. And when I got off the dance floor he followed and struck up a conversation with me and gave me his card. I felt it was not as aggressive as at the bar and it may be more of a chill thing. But it still was so completely random.

So I'm at a loss. I don't understand why people are attracted to me or even want to associate with me on a regular basis. I wont to be like "Well I'll just change who I am." But its hard because people seem to like to associate with me as I am. I don't know. I kind of want to go back to the days where I was a tomboy only child so I didn't need anyone to function. 

Monday, January 5, 2009

Lost Girl

Is it wrong that I almost cry every time I watch something Peter Pan? Not because its a beautiful story but because I wish I never grew up and was that rough and tumble girl that was tough as nails I use to be. 

Landlords are Idiots

So while I'm in class today I received a call from my landlord. Since obviously I couldn't answer I let it go to voicemail. The voicemail is my landlord saying that today was the last day for them to come pick up the check and that if I didn't have it that there would be a late fee. So I call to say that the check has been on my refrigerator (where it always is every month) since the first. And then come to find out that they hadn't picked up anyone's rent either. You can't threaten to charge a late fee when you haven't even shown up to see if there was a check. Idiots.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Year New Term

All things must come to an end as there are new beginnings to be had. Its is now 2009 and I have survived another year pretty much unscathed. So most definitely there was a need to celebrate. So I have to say that I successfully rung in the new year. I hung out with friends that I had barely seen all last term and drank like there was no tomorrow. 

And now a new term is just over the horizon and I need to start buckling down. I don't want to at all. I loved the freedom that I have had for the last month. But it wont all be bad. I love my school, teachers, classes, and classmates. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. But it will always nag at me that I need to chain down my spirit. For the time being that is.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Crossing the line

So while I was planning for my first post in the New Year to be about a great many different things it will not be what I had wanted. Tonight (or this morning technically) I was at the Princes 1500 with my girls from the Mount and my friend who has been staying with me this past week until school starts. So we pretty much close the place down and everyone (or at least the ones that can) are going to go to the bartender's house for a kick ass breakfast. Well on the way the driver and long time friend decides, to be funny, she's going swerve the car. Now beyond the fact that that is dumb period its also dumb because she's been drinking and (a. the police can stop her and we all get fucked (b. she can actually endangers us and hit something or (c. fuck up someone's shit and it'll have to been taken care of. So I decided to fuck that shite and as soon as we get to the grocery store, that is about 7ish blocks from my apartment, I was walking home. Everyone was busting my balls about but I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. I don't really care if it seemed stupid. I've gotten into shite with drinking so I take it seriously if my physical well being, as well as that of my criminal records, is somehow endangered. I was not getting back in the car. At that point I was just not go back for breakfast period. The bartender offered to take a cab with me but I had made my decision: If the people I was hanging out with was making the decision to not be safe that I wasn't hanging out with them at the moment. I gave my college friend the option of coming back with me since she was staying with me but she choose to go so I let her. She is a grown woman and can make her own decisions. And may they always be good ones. So I'm chillin in my apartment by myself and that's OK with me.