Friday, December 4, 2009

Brotherly Love My Ass

I'm really getting sick and tired of hearing of all the drama that is going on in Philly concerning Cyclists and Motorists. While, yes, a recent tragedy occurred because of an unsafe cyclist, does not give the right for the whole City to be up in arms about needing to subdue the bike movement. So, I've decided that I'm going to devote a part of my weekend to writing a "formal" response to what is going on in my beloved city (think A Modest Proposal). Maybe I'll even try and get it published if I make it pretty talk sounding enough.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Working out the kinks

So I'm considering switching this blogs over, for the moment, to focus on my reevaluation of my life and reworking how I want to be bodily, mentally, and spiritually. Now as soon as I've got my general direction as to where I want to go I'll do my first post.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

"a Phillies v. Yankees World Series,will be a seperation of peoples to a degree unseen. This is a Battle of Red versus Blue that makes the Bloods and the Crips look like elementory schoolyard bullshit"- Annoymus poster on philly.com

We the motherfuckin' champs!!!!!

Bring it on American League.

Monday, October 19, 2009

My triumphant return!!!

Well I've decided to come back to my beloved blog. I was frightened away by the fact that my mother decided to google me (as she does every once in a while so she says) and read my blog. She then she made me aware that she knows that I'm not a virgin and tried to make a joke out of it then give me shit for who I've slept with. Yeah, I wasn't really game for that so I took some time off. And now I'm back ready to give the world my ever loving care... mhmm.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

But who is the he?

I'm in the business of misery
Let's take it from the top
She's got a body like an hourglass
That's tickin' like a clock
It's a matter of time before we all run out
When I thought he was mine
She caught him by the mouth

I waited eight long months
She finally set him free
I told him I couldn't lie
He was the only one for me
Two weeks and we had caught on fire
She's got it out for me
But I wear the biggest smile

Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But god, does it feel so good
'cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'cause god, it just feels so
It just feels so good

Second chances, they don't ever matter
People never change
What's a whore, you're nothing more
I'm sorry, that'll never change
And about forgiveness
We're both supposed to have exchanged
I'm sorry, honey, but I passed that up
Now look this way

Well, there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible
To get to who they want and what they like
It's easy if you do it right
Well, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse

Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But god, does it feel so good
'cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'cause god, it just feels so
It just feels so good

I watched his wildest dreams come true
And not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving

Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now

Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But god, does it feel so good
'cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'cause god, it just feels so
It just feels so good

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A friend of mine's facebook status

Really, world? Ted Kennedy? You're killing off so many people it's like this summer is a bad episode of Lost. Not cool.

~ Grainne

Friday, August 7, 2009

Best Monty Python reference in a news story

"After being pronounced dead on the internet at least a dozen times, Patrick Swayze is looking like he's getting better"
~Gawker

Thursday, July 30, 2009

So long suckers

So it is official. I'm going to LA for 6 months. Let's hope this puts me in the right direction.

Lines like this is the reason I read Cracked.com

From: The Holy Bible: A Book Review

"The Holy Bible kills off supporting characters like horror movies kill black people."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Someone

Why is it when I really want something it is always out of my reach? All I really want to is someone to talk to when I'm down. Someone to talk to when I'm happy. Someone to cuddle with on those lonely nights. Someone to watch movies with and discuss stupid things. Someone to debate with. Someone to cook with. Someone to go out with. It doesn't have to be love. Just companionship that could, if it wanted to, become more. I don't think that I ask for so much.

But then when someone who says those things pull away with no explanation, what am I to think? Did I do something wrong? Did you get what you wanted and then decided you wanted someone else. These are the times I'm glad I don't give in all so easily.

If I slept with you it would hurt all the more that you were probably using me for a stupid decision I made for 6 months. You're not such a hurt soul if you can pull the same shit as everyone else.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Beating around the bush?

So one of my professors was trying to hook me up with his manager in LA for my Co-Op. Its been two months and I still don't know for sure if I'm going. and this is making me nervous because if I don't get it I will only have 6 months to find another Co-Op job. I mean I know I could probably talk to someone at TLA or PFS that I've made friends with working at the Film Festivals, but I don't want that.

With the shit that has been going down the last month and the shit that was building up from that in the months previous, I need to get out of town. At this point I can't even been on the east coast anymore. LA is such a great opportunity for me to grow as someone in the film business and I will have minimum distractions to deviate me from that.

I need this job. Beyond just need to fulfill a requirement for school but to save the bits of my sanity that is left and prepare me for a post-college life. But its taking so long that I'm worried. But I feel as if, based on my professors personality, that my future employer wouldn't fuck with me waiting so long to tell me no. In the interview I had with him over Skype he was a very cool, interesting man, who knew what he was doing. I refuse to believe that he is anything but. But these last few months make me feel like anything could fall apart. I'm so paranoid.

But I will step back. I will breathe. I have patience and I will use it to its fullest extent. I can let the other bullshit color the rest of my life.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Dammit

It bothers me that the sight of someone can bother me so much. It bothers me that it bothers me. Why can't I get what I want? Just for a short time? And why can't I know I want it when the timing is right?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wishful thinking

I just want someone to love.
With all my flaws, hardships, and tribulations.
I just someone to want me.
The actual me.
Not my body.
Not what they think I could be for them.
Maybe try to make me a better person.
But not to push mr further into my insanity.
Even if we were just to broken vessels.
Maybe we could pull each other along.
And find safe harbor together.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

This is so sad

So I've been randomly thinking about where I want to hold my birthday next year. Yes, its very far away from now, but I have sporadic thoughts like that. And I haven't had an actual birthday party since I was maybe like 6 so I think its about time I get around to having one. And me being me, I'm thinking outside the box.

And I have come up with two choice. My retarded dumbass of a self has decided on with The Franklin Institute or the Please Touch Museum. Yes you read that correctly. I'm very weird in that I want to hang out in places that are totally inappropriate for grown people to be in. Well, technically the Franklin Institute isn't that bad, unless I decided to have it in like to Heart Room or something. But the Please Touch Museum? There's no excuse there really.

Though both venues are not strangers to holding events for non-toddler crowd, by looking at their websites. I wasn't expecting to be so original, really. So, no biggie. Though I do think that this will be lots of fun for my friends who will be think "There goes that crazy bitch and even more crazy ideas".

Its a good thing that I thought of this now. This will take some time to plan and budgeting to get this to work.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I love...

being able to hang out with the people who I knows love me. My only wish is that is stays that way.

From Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist

Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

So fucked up in the head

So last night was a celebration of my friend's 20th birthday that is today. I've it because there were most of my friends from high school and a couple people from grade school. All people who I haven't seen in maybe a year or more. These are the girls that will stick through with you till the end. And that's why I love them.

Unfortunately, who was also there was the boy who broke my heart for the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd time of my life and the boy who tried to rape me on Cinco de Mayo last year. I think its so funny that they're good friends (before and after both of them decided to fuck up my life). Why is it that any happy moment that I have has to to be tinged with sadness or hurt?

I can only be thankful that I didn't break down or cause a scene. I pretty much kept my cool, except for maybe the occasional bitting remark. But, I think I deserve to have a couple of those. Neither of them comprehend the pain that they put me through.

The boy who broke my heart time and time again says that all he can say is "sorry" with no explanation as to why he did the things that he did. He was my best friend first and then came to be the boy I was in love with and thought was in love with me. He couldn't respect me on either of those levels. He can seem to fully understand that that pushed me more so over the edge where suicide became became a more serious subject on my mind instead of just a passing thought.

And the other one, he has been my torturer since grade school and tried to most heinous act of bullying and he never really apologized out side that night when his ass was on the line if I was (a. killed walking the 5 plus miles at 3am to get home or (b. walked to the police station and reported his ass. But I did neither, though I wish either of them had happened. If I have to hurt why shouldn't he?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Future runaway

It sucks that I've only been back in classes for 2 weeks and already I just want to go away. It has nothing to do with classes really. I only have 4 classes this term so I'm living it easy. I'm just getting sick of my surrounds and, in a small way, the people in my life. I just feel like I need to do something different just for a little bit. I had a week long break and I didn't get to really have it to myself. I just wish I had those seven days to do something that I wanted for myself. But it wasn't to be. I can never really claim anything for my own.

I just can't wait for this to be over.

Friday, June 26, 2009

RIP King of Pop

So yesterday afternoon, King of Pop, Michael Jackson, died of cardiac arrest. Its so saddening that with all the bullshit that went on in his life and he went out with the reputation that he did. He was a huge hit since the age of 9, continued throughout his life with hit after hit and died almost no more that a joke. It makes you think.

But we love you Michael. I'll always remember when I was 3 and told everyone my name was Michael and learned the entire routine to Thriller. Can't stop till I get enough. Peace and Love.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I love how I'm always in love with the wrong people
I love how well I accept that they will never love me

Friday, May 29, 2009

From Wristcutters: A Love Story

Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dodging the Bullet

So I'm a little calmer today. I no longer need to be paranoid about shit. But I still have other things on my mind. Hopefully they will work out.

Monday, May 18, 2009

From La Dolce Gilda

You're still following me? Stop! Leave me alone! I'm just teasing. Come here. Come.. closer. You know, I love you, my little monkey. But leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. I love to play. And every time I play.. you win. Ciao,
Just wait
Breathe
Everything will be OK
That's what they tell me
I'll believe
For now

I'm so tired

I wish that I wasn't so difficult that I can't express what I want or how I feel. It is increasingly annoying. I feel as if what I have to say isn't important enough for other people to hear which then annoys everyone because I "expect them to read my mind." Its all such bullshit.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lost

I have always had these moments when I want feel what its like to be hit by a bus or train, shot, stab, or beaten to death. There were always thoughts of curiosity. But No they have become more frequent and more malicious in thought. What does this mean exactly? Am I truly depressed? Am I going insane? Have I been these things all along but for some reason able to keep them at bay? I don't know the answer to these questions and I'm not even sure I want to know the answers. I guess We'll see what life brings.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinco de Mayo

So today is Cinco de Mayo, the day when the Mexican army defeated the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. But for Americans, it have an excuse to drink tequila and Corona. Today isn't really on my radar of drinking days. No particular reason for it. I do other ethnic holidays (Saint Patty's Day, Fat Tuesday, etc.) but I never think about about the 5th of May. Maybe Its because its so close to my birthday. Maybe I just don't have the love of tequila that others do. 

But this year Cinco de Mayo has significance to me. One year ago I decided to go with a friend to her boyfriend's house for a little Cinco de Mayo celebration. Now I didn't particularly like this boyfriend. I had gone to grade school with him and he would make my life hell. I remember being depressed almost to the point of wanting to kill myself (he told me later that it was because he had a crush on me). Even though we moved on to different high schools, his school was the brother school to mine and we still had friends in common and he dated another close friend, so I couldn't be rid of him. We somewhat became friends and so my hostility lessened towards him. And I'll admit that once upon a drunken night I had a threesome with him and a mistaken love of my life.

So there were 5 of us skinny dipping and drinking tequila by the guy's pool. I was feel a little unsettled by the tequila and really uncomfortable with how he was coming on to me way too strong, especially when my best friend/ his girlfriend was near by. At the end of the night He was drinking my friend and another girl I had gone to high school with home. While campus was a bit aways from his parents house, I begged because I wasn't feeling comfortable with staying at the house. He said yes but after he dropped the girls off, he said that he was really too drunk to drive and couldn't take me home till the morning. I gave up and said fine.

We come back to his and he keeps saying that I should sleep in his bed and he'll sleep on the couch. Of curse I don't don't trust this at all. I'm not going to throw myself into the lion's den. He was so persistent. But I made my stand to stay on the couch and curled up into a ball where he the proceeded crawl on top of me to try to "seduce" me into having sex with him. I was able to convince him to go out and clean the pool because all of our empty alcohol cups etc were still there out. The second he went out side I bolted for the front door.

I had never been so frightened in my life. I had no way to get anywhere but my own 2 feet. so I walked. I walked the 6 miles at 3am in the morning from his house to Olney Bus Terminal. I would duck into bushes every time I heard a car because I thought he was coming after me. I called a friend that lived in my dorm and talked to her the entire way. This is where I developed my hatred for birds because the entire way there were birds chirping so loud my friend could hear them.

I made it safely to Olney and took the night owl bus in to Center City. What makes it bad is that my mom's house was 4 blocks from Olney But refused to go home and explain why I was coming in so early while I was still in school. So I went down town and the took the El to campus and slept most of the day away missing my morning classes. 

I have never had something like that happen to me before. Sure, I've had people try and get on me but nothing like that. It shaped me as a person but I try to not let it rule me. But that will make me never forget Cinco de Mayo. 

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What a life

So I haven't been writing here for a while. I missed you so I came crawlin' back. So much as gone on that I couldn't possible retell it all. So I guess it will go by the way side on the road of time. I will not let a lapse like this happen again.

Most recently I have realized the level of my submissiveness. I think its funny how much people think that I am such a strong independent woman. But there are times where I just fall into a very vulnerable position and I become someone's bitch. Its sad, pathetic, but true. I don't know what to do with myself. Let's see if this has a happy ending.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Being a bitch is...

"... hard job but be some has to do it. "

Reading a keychain that I've hard for a while. Its true but maybe I'll give up the mantel for now?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Monday, March 30, 2009

Maybe its time

So I bought  fresh pack of Blacks today and not 4 hours later I dropped them out of my pocket while biking and then got ran over by a car. It might be a sign to stop smoking.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

alpha

I bare my throat to you
An act of submission
A very rare form
But you don't even nip
To show your dominance
You just walk away
As I slink back wounded
From the wound that isn't there

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Oh wine

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I do hate being up a 5am

It reminds me of bad times. Its funny how bad events can shape the way you think for the rest of your life. So many things I will regret doing or not doing just because of one thing that happened in your life.

Monday, March 16, 2009

This was on my Philosophy of Sex & Love final exam

“He or she who is the victim of passion and the slave of pleasure will desire to make his or her beloved as agreeable to himself as possible. . . . The lover may pray, entreat, supplicate, swear, lie on a mat at the door, and endure a slavery worse than that of any slave.”

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Distracted

I'm so distracted from what I need to do its ridiculous. I have a take home test for Sex and Love due tomorrow, my final cut of the Poetry Brothel due Tuesday, filming for Directing due Thursday and filming for Lighting thats needs to be done and handed in before the end of the week. None of these things have been worked on today which I wanted to do seeing as I had the day off from work and was going to make the best of it. Instead I made the effort to go get waxed and see my money dwindle and laid around all day smoking, drinking tea, and watching random shit on TV. It didn't even feel satisfactory to be lazy. I'm losing my purpose.

I've decided to make the commitment to look at life like I did before I came to college (or more so before Senior year of high school).  I was cold. I was heartless. I had friends but I spent the majority of my time alone but didn't feel lonely. I could cut people off without the small twinge of guilt. I was a machine. I was flawless in my lack of emotion. I don't like having a heart. I want to lock it up and put it away so it can never hurt me again. Is this healthy. Hell no. Will it make me happy? Most likely no. But I'll be able to function as a human being. 

You stole my heart but I had it first

Is it a bad thing that even though I'm not doing something"dangerous" like cutting I went to go get waxed and relished in the pain?

No words

My soul has once again died. Crying more than once in such quick succession is not normal for me. May I be recognizing the soul in which I thought I didn't have? Who knows. All I know is that I feel as if my soul has ben ripped out of me and I don't know if I can repair it myself this time.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Epic Bike Fail

So as I am biking home I'm going at a pretty decent speed as I come up on an intersection. Thinking that its 1am in the morning I don't need to slow down because there wouldn't be any cars out. So wrong. At the last minute I see a car about to hit the intersection at the same time I am. So I slam on the brakes which promptly vaulted me over my handle bars and landed me in a sandwich between my bike and the street. Such an epic fail. It almost made me think that I should get a helmet... almost.

p.s. Though scary, I thought it was fucking hilarious.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Wow, near the end already

So I need to play catch up on what's been going on in my life. But I seem to have no time. A lot of shit has been going down.

More to come soon.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Watchmen!!!!

So midnight screening of Watchmen is tonight. I have work so I'm in need of finding my own mode of transportation to KoP. If I'm lucky Chili's will be slow tonight and I leave mad early. If not that hopefully I'll get my mother to at least drive me up and I'll catch a ride back in either Mike's or Houstin's car. Regardless I'm excited.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Fuck my life

So this week I've cried my eyes out, had a 2-day long head headache, and anxiety that could bring down an elephant. 

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

amusing

So I'm currently sitting by my window smoking 
while guy is walking by hurriedly 
as if he is being followed 
and looking behind him
I yell "No one is following you"
He asks if if I'm sure
I say yes
He yells thanks at me and keeps walking
"You're welcome"

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

So I've learned a very important thing

Very cute boys work at health food stores.

Spring Time

If this weather ends I think I'll truly die. I can't take the cold weather anymore. It makes me depressed. Even more so depressed that I am usually. My soul feel as if its coming alive again.

This song strangely makes me think of Clockwork Orange

Up rolled the riot van
And sparked excitement in the boys
But the policemen look annoyed
Perhaps these are ones they should avoid

They got a chase last night from men with truncheon's dressed in hats
They didn't do that much wrong, still ran away though for the laugh 

"Please just stop talking
Because they won't find us if you do
Oh those silly boys in blue
Well they won't catch me and you"

"Have you been drinking son, you don't look old enough to me"
"I'm sorry officer is there a certain age you're supposed to be?.. nobody told me"

Up rolled the riot van
And these lads just wind the coppers up
Ask why they don't catch proper crooks 
Get their address and their name's took
But they couldn't care less

He got thrown in the riot van 
And all the coppers kicked him in
And there was no way he could win
Just had to take it on the chin

Monday, February 9, 2009

Unfinished

The last you fucked me was six month ago
Came to me at the break of dawn
The sweet smell of liquor on your breath
Something to make the world better
Willingly or no you had your way
But it was OK, I liked it like that

Six months have crept by
I lay here a barren wasteland
Nothing to give me sunshine
Stale rumpled sheets
The only things you left behind

Mother Nature is a cruel hearted woman

This has got to stop. The weather is beautiful today but I know that Mother Nature will yank it from under my feet and make it blistering cold again. This is the cruel fate that I know will come to pass. Spring is my element. I'm already feel tons better with it only being 48 degrees out. I might cry if I have to go into hibernation again.

Diet Anyone?

I think I'm getting a little pudgy.  So I want to go on some type of diet. Though a strange thought occurred to me: By putting myself on a prescribed diet I will actually be eating more than than I do on a regular basis. This is a very strange concept. To eat more would imply not going on a diet stereotypically. 

But I barely eat as it is. I either don't have time to eat, don't have time to buy food to eat, don't have the money to eat, or simply don't feel like eating. This is in no way healthy. I should be eating on a regular basis and eating things that are good for me. Not that I don't eat what is good for me now. I'm not big into junk food or sodas or anything of that like. 

My biggest probably is that when I do take the time to eat I am eating big starches like pasta and such. But if you think about it its not too bad because since I'm not eating its good for me at least when I can getting some calories that are worth something in my system.

So I think that I'm going to start an all natural fruit/veggie diet. And I'll supplement it by biking more and going on the Pretzel Run again. So I'm going to make an effort to make it over to the Whole Foods sometime soon and pick up my supplies. I'm sure exactly how long I will take this. At least 3 weeks, I think. 

Let's see what happens, shall we?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Only in New York

So I've gone from the Butterfly two weeks ago to someone's future Baby Momma. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this. It amuses that people in general find my attractive and then they go as far has giving me nicknames and future life statuses (ps FUCKING CREEPY). I will never understand.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Better if you don't

I really need to stop listening to people concerning relationship advice. It always seems to go sour.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Don't trust the Yogi

So last night I didn't get home till around 2:30 am. I was very tired so I made Yogi Bedtime tea and watch a couple of episodes of Sex in the City OnDemand. Bedtime teas pretty much never work for me but I wanted tea and I thought "What the hell. I need to get rid of it anyway." Well I didn't wake up until 11 am. 11 am is also the time of my first class. Needless to say, I was late. I'm never doing that again.

Monday, February 2, 2009

I vote for a Post Super Bowl Hangover Day

So last night was the Super Bowl. And while I don't have a hangover (only had three beers) I know that many people do or stayed up to all hours of the night, which they wouldn't do normally on a Sunday. So I say that there should be a national Hangover Day after the Super Bowl. I could sure use the rest.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Where Brooklyn At!

So today's trip to New York was successful. I'm so glad that we caught a latter bus than last week. Getting up at 7am on a Saturday after less than 4 hours of sleep is rough. Doable, but rough. We had no problems getting to New York. The Metro got a little tricky because the J doesn't run to Fulton on the weekends.  But we figured it out lucky and got to Brooklyn in time. 

I think we got a lot of good footage of the Brothel's rehearsal. Its great to see how the Whores build their character that they will use for the Brothel. Its much like a creative workshop. This project is going to have a great outcome, I think.

New York, New York

So I'm going back to New York today (as it is past midnight). Luckily I'm not getting up at 7am after less than three hours of sleep like last weekend. And also I'm not going to directly after I get back. I'm hoping to get some good footage of the Brothel's rehearsal. I'm upset that last week I couldn't stay in New York for the rehearsal because of work. 

I need to contact people specifically for one-on-one interviews. I was hoping for my partner to do that last week but I don't think she did. I'm going to give out my business cards, but they're kind of crappy and have my AOL email on it. I need to get more official looking cards with a better email address, etc.

I feel like I should be stressed but I'm really not. Of all the things bothering me in my life right now this should have some small part in my anxiety. But it doesn't so I guess I don't need to worry.

I need to make sure that I start editing the footage together for a rough cut when I get back. And even more importantly start and finish my script for Writing for the Short that's due Sunday at 6pm. I can't push it off and hopefully I will put some effort into it while I'm on the bus ride to and from. 

Friday, January 30, 2009

Fuck anger managment

I'm starting to think that holding in one's anger and not expressing it has become a hazard. It is not a matter that I'm getting upset over everything. I'm much more pissy about it that usually about shit that would upset me anyway. I didn't think I could get more pissy about shit. Controlling my anger makes me even more angry. I somehow don't think that it is suppose to work that way.  The only silver lining is that I don't have panic attacks for the most part anymore.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

This is bullshit

Why do I have a roommate that goes home every weekend and ignores me pretty much on the random occasions that we are home at the same time? I feel like a fucking rent check to her. And I wouldn't mind if it was a case I found her on craigslist and and not that we were friends last year in the dorm. 

Why is it that I'm only appreciated (or condemned) for my tits and ass? I don't think they are they greatest out there. Terribly imperfect in my mind. Yet people feel the need to constantly mention them. Why? It doesn't bother me that I might be seen as an object. I have a problem people see what isn't there and even with this blindness its not as if it truly gets me anywhere any way.

Why do I have friends that I have to call to hang out with or else I sit at home alone? And most times they wont even hang out with me for bullshit reasons. When they do, I'm always going somewhere. No one think to ask to come over and hang out with me at my place. It feels like fucking pulling teeth. I shouldn't feel like I have to work hard to have friends. 
 
And why do I always feel like the odd man out in my major? No one ever thinks that I could be helpful and never thinks to ask. I feel useless because no comes to me. I can't learn if no one is willing to through me to the dogs. And when I need help no one is there willing to help me out. I'm out of the loop way more than I should be. And I try but it seems useless. 

Growing up wont solve this problem. Death is not an actual solution. So I'm fucked till kingdom come.

Humor me

I hate that people think that I'm so devious bitch who plots and schemes. I'll admit I'm a bitch but I'm not into schemes and that bullshit. This isn't high school folks.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I love Kat Williams

"White people, if you can't understand a tiger in a zoo then you will never understand a nigger in America."

Damn Geico for getting this stuck in my head

I'm just an average man with an average life 
I work from nine to five, hey, hell, I pay the price 
All I want is to be left alone in my average home 
But why do I always feel like I'm in the twilight zone 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Tell mi is it just a dream

When I come home at night 
I bolt the door real tight 
People call me on the phone, I'm trying to avoid 
But can the people on tv see me or am I just paranoid 

When I'm in the shower I'm afraid to wash my hair 
Cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing there 
People say I'm crazy, just a little touched 
But maybe showers remind me of psycho too much 
That's why... 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Who's playin' tricks on me

(Instrumental) 

I don't know anymore 
Are the neighbors watching me 
Well is the mailman watching me 
And I don't feel safe anymore, oh what a mess 
I wonder who's watching me now (booo! ) - the irs? 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Tell me is it just a dream 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
And I have no privacy 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Who's playin' tricks on me 

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
Tell me this can't be

I always feel like somebody's watching me 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 
I always feel like somebody's watching me 

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

XOXO

Its very scary the idea of, not right now but in the future, saying "I love you" to someone and meaning it fully. What's even scarier is what will there response be if you can even get that far in the relationship. I need to stop fucking around and do the things that I want.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I've made it

So I'm currently residing in Fredericksburg, VA. Tomorrow I will be making my way to Washington to D.C. for the big day. I have to say that, Lydia's, the person whose parents house we're staying at is very... Southern. And I amusingly made the mistake to wear my "Artists Make Lousy Slaves." You would think that My having spent so much time down here that I would have realized my mistake. But I take this on to be an amusing anecdote that will undoubtedly happen. Let's see shall we?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

So let me get this straight...

So last night I went around the corner to my friends house for his Dumpling Night. I brought of over my Zen Green Tea Liquor But I thought it was an appropriate choice. Everyone enjoyed it. Especially when we added Yuengling and created Jersey Wooder (aka cesspool). I got a text saying that I should go over to another friends house after I'm done for another get together. I was game and got a ride over.

This party was completely awkward town. While they didn't over whelm, there was a significant amount of people that I didn't know. I'm not really a big one for being in situations where there are a lot of people that I don't know (specifically in party situations). But it was chill. So this get together was a surprise party for this kid Andrew. I meet him maybe once or twice.

So amongst the people I do know  guy that I sometimes hook up that happens to live around the corner from him. Now I have serious issues when it come to him because when we first started hanging out he was a very clingly person and he would do or say things that you would only really do in serious committed relationships which we weren't in nor was I looking for. And besides that I found to be emo to the point that I looked fucking cheerful. 

I tell him that I want to go home tonight and so when they wanted to leave just let me know and we could leave together. I was trying to be responsible because I should not be going home by myself because (1. A girl walking home at that hour is not the brightest idea and (2. I had been drinking so I may not be paying attention to my surroundings like I should. He said that was cool and his housemate had a car so I wouldn't have to be out in the car. 

Well eventually it got to the point where the party was a little too awkward for my taste and I wanted to go out for a smoke. So two friends and I went to get pizza and smoke on the way there. I let hook up know where I was going and said to call me if they wanted to leave before I got back. Because it was cold we ate at the pizza parlor and chilled a bit and talked about random shit.

When we came back I noticed that my ride was gone. So I called to see if maybe they were just upstairs or something. Nope. They had left me and didn't call to say that they were leaving. So now I'm pissed (and still somewhat drunk). I start yelling because they shouldn't have left me with no warning and now I had to get home by myself. The guy tried to say it wasn't his fault because his housemate really wanted to go and wouldn't call me and that if I want he would come back and get me (but of course I could just sleep over where I was because it would be cool with the people that lived there). Fuck no asshole for a couple of reasons: (1. Its not the housemates fault because he has the choice to leave but (2. You had my number, not him, you should have called me because I'm your friend, not his, (3. Why would I want you to come back and get me? you already left me why would I  wait for you to come back. And I promptly hang up the phone.

My other friend tries to make me feel better but I'm already tensed and almost into one of my anxiety attacks. So I make the decision to leave because I'm putting out negative vibes and all I want to do is go home to craw in my bed and sleep. Before I leave I get a text message from asshole saying: "I've had too much to drink and ****** is too exhausted to pick you up. I'm sorry. If you want to spend the night, i'll come and pick you up and walk you over. Just tell me when" So you fuck up  and leave me but you'll come back if I come over to your house to sleep?

I don't think I've ever walked back from my friend's house so fast. What is usually a 20ish minute walk I made in 10. only reason I know this is because I started smoking a clove on the way back and still had something to smoke when I passed my front door. So I go to the asshole house, pound on the door and call him when he doesn't answer. He doesn't answer the phone so I go back home. I see I have a missed call from him and call him back ripping him apart for being an asshole. He asks where I am I told him I walked home already. Which he couldn't understand why I did that because he said he would walk me home. He still doesn't understand why I'm pissed and wouldn't wait for him so I hang up and go take a really hot shower. But before I got in I saw he had changed his facebook status to **** try to take things less seriously... holy jeez. And I had changed my status to I the strong need to punch a wall right now.

I come up of the bathroom and see that I have another text from asshole saying "You need to calm down. You're taking minute things wat to seriously. You're not going to want to accept that, but 6 block is not  big deal. You get way too affected by little things. Stop taking things so personally. I'll ttyl"Why couldn't he have left it alone? I call him and chew him out again. And he tries to apologize to which I left him know that I could give a rat's ass if he's sorry (I don't believe in them) and I really at this point just want him to admit that he was wrong. Of course he questions my morals and values because I don't really believe in apologizing (I'll explain why in another post). 

Now during this 2 friends had comment on my status one of them saying "Calm to furry" and the asshole decides comment as well saying that he seconds this. I respond  by asking if he really wanted to commenting on my shit. And then his status says all he wants is sleep peace and understanding  which changes 3 minutes later to "calm. calm. calm. its unnecessary. for someone who doesn't care, you sure draw a lot of attention. just rest and calm down. I need sleep." I don't give a shit about you but I do give a shit when you leaving a man behind. I was pissed and had a right to be so. I took the somewhat high road and didn't respond to his staus. I should have thrown that damn rock throw his window like I wanted to.

Talk about a way to fuck up the beginning of the weekend.

Solitude

I hate being apart of a species that relies upon contact with one another. No matter how far you run away you always have to come back.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I need to get away

I need a vacation. Maybe some place exotic. Maybe some place mundane. It doesn't really matter. I just want out of the bubble I'm currently in. The need to expand my horizons is just too great. It wont make me a better person and it wont bother me if it did.

To get away is not so much to get away from my life the way it is, but to bring new experiences to it. I need something new. New people in old situations or old people in new situations just don't cut it. I need new people to interact with. New Friends. New Lovers. New Enemies. A new Identity so that when I come back to being me I will have hopefully cleaned out my closet so that the same me can come out hopefully with a new paint job.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Fuck Vegas, DC Baby!

So I found out last night that I'm going to the Inauguration on Tuesday. Words cannot describe... 

Monday, January 12, 2009

A question

Have you meet someone so depressing that they made you want to kill yourself? Its a very odd concept, but it happens.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

So here's my business card...

What I've never understood is why some people find me attractive. I know that I have certain aspects that are aesthetically pleasing but that overall picture I don't think is anything. I would understand maybe trying to get a one night stand but not a regular thing. But somehow within the last week I've gotten 2 business cards while out and for me to contact them besides other people who have hit on me. 

One was an owner of a bar in North Philly that I was hanging out with friends. I was somewhat creeped out because there was this big guy who owns the establishment that I'm at and he's just straight up hitting on me even though I lied about being in a relationship and obviously wasn't very comfortable in the situation. It didn't help that the guy graduated high school 3 years before I was even born. I like older men but in that situation it was just not conformable for me.

The second was when I went to Nocturne last night.I was only the dance floor in the 80s room and was approached by this guy on the dance floor. I'm always up for a partner so I was dancing with him and it was cool. And when I got off the dance floor he followed and struck up a conversation with me and gave me his card. I felt it was not as aggressive as at the bar and it may be more of a chill thing. But it still was so completely random.

So I'm at a loss. I don't understand why people are attracted to me or even want to associate with me on a regular basis. I wont to be like "Well I'll just change who I am." But its hard because people seem to like to associate with me as I am. I don't know. I kind of want to go back to the days where I was a tomboy only child so I didn't need anyone to function. 

Monday, January 5, 2009

Lost Girl

Is it wrong that I almost cry every time I watch something Peter Pan? Not because its a beautiful story but because I wish I never grew up and was that rough and tumble girl that was tough as nails I use to be. 

Landlords are Idiots

So while I'm in class today I received a call from my landlord. Since obviously I couldn't answer I let it go to voicemail. The voicemail is my landlord saying that today was the last day for them to come pick up the check and that if I didn't have it that there would be a late fee. So I call to say that the check has been on my refrigerator (where it always is every month) since the first. And then come to find out that they hadn't picked up anyone's rent either. You can't threaten to charge a late fee when you haven't even shown up to see if there was a check. Idiots.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Year New Term

All things must come to an end as there are new beginnings to be had. Its is now 2009 and I have survived another year pretty much unscathed. So most definitely there was a need to celebrate. So I have to say that I successfully rung in the new year. I hung out with friends that I had barely seen all last term and drank like there was no tomorrow. 

And now a new term is just over the horizon and I need to start buckling down. I don't want to at all. I loved the freedom that I have had for the last month. But it wont all be bad. I love my school, teachers, classes, and classmates. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. But it will always nag at me that I need to chain down my spirit. For the time being that is.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Crossing the line

So while I was planning for my first post in the New Year to be about a great many different things it will not be what I had wanted. Tonight (or this morning technically) I was at the Princes 1500 with my girls from the Mount and my friend who has been staying with me this past week until school starts. So we pretty much close the place down and everyone (or at least the ones that can) are going to go to the bartender's house for a kick ass breakfast. Well on the way the driver and long time friend decides, to be funny, she's going swerve the car. Now beyond the fact that that is dumb period its also dumb because she's been drinking and (a. the police can stop her and we all get fucked (b. she can actually endangers us and hit something or (c. fuck up someone's shit and it'll have to been taken care of. So I decided to fuck that shite and as soon as we get to the grocery store, that is about 7ish blocks from my apartment, I was walking home. Everyone was busting my balls about but I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. I don't really care if it seemed stupid. I've gotten into shite with drinking so I take it seriously if my physical well being, as well as that of my criminal records, is somehow endangered. I was not getting back in the car. At that point I was just not go back for breakfast period. The bartender offered to take a cab with me but I had made my decision: If the people I was hanging out with was making the decision to not be safe that I wasn't hanging out with them at the moment. I gave my college friend the option of coming back with me since she was staying with me but she choose to go so I let her. She is a grown woman and can make her own decisions. And may they always be good ones. So I'm chillin in my apartment by myself and that's OK with me.